It is 7pm. You have asked three times for the homework to be started, and the answer is still a shrug. Across town, a teacher announces a new seating plan and watches half the class fold their arms.
Most of us call this resistance and reach for the same tools: a firmer voice, a consequence, a lecture. Sometimes it works. Often, it simply raises the volume of a conversation that volume was never going to solve.
A better question than "why won't they?"
Barbara Trautlein, in Change Intelligence: Use the Power of CQ to Lead Change That Sticks, argues that apparent resistance usually comes from one of three gaps in how change is led: no head, no heart, or no hands. She wrote for organisational leaders, but the idea travels well, because parents and teachers lead change every day.
No head: the change has no clear purpose
What it means. The head is the "why" and the "where to". The child can only commit to a change if they understand what it is, why it matters and what success looks like. To be precise, the change is missing these things, not the child.
What it looks like. Endless "why?" questions, vague answers, going through the motions, or doing the task in a way that misses the point. Watch for the learner who says "I don't see the point" and means it literally.
An everyday picture. Imagine being handed a hammer and a pile of timber and told to "get building". You would hesitate, not from laziness, but because you don't know whether it is a shed, a bookshelf, or a boat. Effort needs a picture of the finished thing.
At home and at school. "Study harder" is a hammer with no plan. "Let's get your Maths mark to where Engineering becomes possible" is a plan. A teacher who announces a new seating arrangement without saying what it is meant to achieve invites the same blank stares.
What to do. Explain the destination in the child's own language, then ask them to say it back to you. If they cannot, the head is still missing.
No heart: the change has no connection
What it means. The heart is the “with me”. The child needs to feel that the change respects them, that they have some say in it, and that the adult leading it is on their side. Understanding something and caring about it are different things.
What it looks like. Folded arms, silence, sarcasm, slammed doors, or polite compliance with nothing behind it. The child may be able to tell you exactly what is expected and still not move.
An everyday picture. Think of being moved to a new house overnight with no say in the street, the room or the paint. You might even admit it is a nice house. You would still stand in the doorway with your arms folded, because nobody asked you.
At home and at school. A new school, a new stepfamily or a new rule can all land this way. A parent who says, "This is for your own good", is explaining but hasn't connected yet. A teacher who listens to three learners' concerns before launching a new routine has done the heart work in five minutes.
What to do. Listen first, and name the feeling before you defend the change: "I can see this feels unfair." Then offer a real choice, even a small one, such as when, where or in what order.
No hands: the change has no practical path
What it means. The hands are the “how”. The child needs the skills, steps, tools, and practice actually to do what is being asked. Wanting to do something and being able to do it are two separate things.
What it looks like. Procrastination, avoidance, starting and stalling, "I can't” or “it’s too hard”. This is the gap most often mistaken for laziness.
An everyday picture. Telling a nervous swimmer to “just relax and float” doesn't teach. Reading a book about cycling won't stop you from falling off the bike. Skills come from watching someone do it, trying it with support, and trying again.
At home and at school. "Get organised" means nothing to a teenager who has never been shown how to break a project into steps. A teacher who sets a research task without modelling one good example has handed over the bike without the lesson.
What to do. Break the task into the smallest first step, show it once, let the child try it while you stay close, and celebrate the attempt before the result.
Three questions before you lose your patience
Have I explained where we are going, in words this child would use? (Head)
Does this child feel I am with them, not just ahead of them? (Heart)
Have I shown them how, and let them practise? (Hands)
Then fix one gap, not all three. A doctor treats the cause, not just the fever.
A closing thought
A ship's rudder turns nothing unless the crew know the harbour, want to reach it and can handle the ropes. That is the thinking behind our work at Rudder4Life: young people steer best when all three are in place.
So the next time a child digs in, resist the urge to push harder. Ask which of the three is missing. The answer is usually kinder, quicker and far more effective than the argument you were about to have.
#Rudder4Life #ChangeIntelligence #WholeChild #SEL #ParentingTeens #ParentingSA #TeenYears #TeachersOfSA #EducationSA #Grade8 #ChangeLeadership #CapeTown #SouthAfrica
