Anyone who has driven the N2 in a Cape south-easter knows the feeling. The car shudders, the steering wheel fights you, and you grip tighter. But the wind is not the problem. The wind is telling you something about the road. Your child's behaviour works the same way. The sulking, the screaming, the slammed door and the "I can do it myself!" are the dashboard light, not the engine fault. Underneath each one sits a question your child is trying to answer about the world and about themselves.
In Childhood and Society (1950), the psychologist Erik Erikson mapped these questions across a lifetime. He called each a "crisis", though a better word is a turning point, like a fork on the Boland road. Here are the first five, with a pause for you at each one.
Stage 1. Infancy (0 to 1 year): "Can I trust the world?"
Every Capetonian knows what load-shedding does to your sense of security. You flick the switch and hope. A baby is flicking the switch all day long. When she cries, will the lights come on? Will someone come, feed her, hold her? Each answered cry is a small deposit in a trust account. Over time, the balance becomes what Erikson called hope, a quiet confidence that the world is dependable. Too many switches that do nothing leave a child wary and fearful.You cannot spoil a baby by responding. A fire engine that answers every call does not make a town careless. It makes the town feel safe.
This stage also reminds us of the old Nguni saying, umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu: a person is a person through other people. The gogo, the oumie, the aunty next door and the crèche teacher all make deposits too.
Pause and reflect:
- When my baby cried, what story did I tell myself about what it meant?
- Who helps me carry the night shift, so that I am not running on empty?
Stage 2. Early childhood (1 to 3 years): "Can I do things myself?"
It is 7:40 on a school morning, and your toddler insists on putting on her own shoes. Left foot, right foot, wrong feet, ten minutes gone. Everything in you wants to grab the shoes. Think of teaching someone to ride a bike. You keep a hand on the saddle, but you let them wobble. Each small success builds will, the feeling that "I am someone who can do things". Always rushing in, or shaming the spilt milk, plants doubt and shame instead. A child who is never allowed to wobble learns that she cannot balance.
Pause and reflect:
- Where do I take over because it is faster, not because it is necessary?
- What could I let them try this week, even if it takes ten extra minutes?
Stage 3. Preschool (3 to 6 years): "Can I explore and make things happen?"
This is the age of "why?" and of blanket forts that swallow the lounge. Your child is a seedling in a Kirstenbosch bed, pushing in every direction at once. Water that curiosity and it grows into purpose, the ability to plan and begin. Trample it with "stop being silly" and "you're making a mess", and it can wither into guilt, a nagging feeling that wanting things is somehow wrong.
The simplest watering can is a question. "Tell me about your fort" does more than "pack that away now". You can still ask them to pack it away. Just ask the first question first.
Pause and reflect:
- When did I last say yes to a ridiculous idea?
- How was my own imagination received at that age, and does that echo in how I respond now?
Stage 4. School age (6 to 12 years): "Can I be good at things?"
Now come spelling tests, rugby practice, Lego engineering and the dreaded report card. Children at this age are like scouts collecting badges. Every finished project, learnt skill and hard-won mark is a badge on the sash. This builds competence. Comparison is the quickest way to ruin it. Holding your child up against the cleverer cousin or the star striker is like handing them a ruler that only measures what they lack. Over time, that ruler produces inferiority, a belief that others are better.
Praise the effort, the strategy and the stubbornness. "You kept going on that sum even when it was hard" feeds a child for years. "You're so clever" is a sweet that is gone in a minute.
Pause and reflect:
- Do I notice effort as quickly as I notice results?
- Whose ruler am I holding against my child, and did I choose it?
Stage 5. Adolescence (12 to 18 years): "Who am I?"
Picture a fitting room at Canal Walk. Your teenager is trying on friend groups, music, opinions, hairstyles and a whole new way of rolling their eyes. Most of it will be discarded. That is not rebellion for its own sake. They are shopping for a self, and nobody buys the first outfit they try. Your job is to be the sturdy changing-room door. Not the shop assistant who insists "that suits you", and not the wall that shuts the room down. A door gives privacy, safety and a way back out.
Done well, this stage delivers fidelity, a settled sense of who they are and what they stand for. If they are pushed into an outfit they never chose, they may walk out unsure of who they are. Erikson called this role confusion.
Pause and reflect:
- Am I a door or a wall right now?
- When did I last listen to my teenager without trying to fix anything?
A Map, Not a Verdict
Three things are worth keeping in your pocket.
- Each stage is a floor in a building. The upper floors rest on the lower ones, which is why early years matter so much.
- Foundations can be repaired. Missed something? Nothing is lost for good. Builders reinforce old houses all the time, and children can heal too, at any age, through warm and consistent adults.
- Ages are approximate. Children do not read the textbook. A seven-year-old may still need a toddler's reassurance after a hard week, and that is entirely normal.
Rudder4Life takes its name from a simple fact about boats. A rudder does not row, and it cannot calm the sea. It simply makes steering possible. That is a fair picture of good parenting. You cannot control the swell, but you can help your child steer through it.
So the next time your child's behaviour sends you reaching for the volume knob, try this instead. Ask yourself one question: what is my child really asking me right now? Then answer that.
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